Resentment Without Regret
by Smoky Opium
Summary: There are some questions we lock away, that never pass our lips, because we are too afraid of the answers. But sometimes we have to know, and sometimes those questions slip out without us knowing.


**Disclaimer:** Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal Alchemist) © Hiromu Arakawa. No profit is being made from this story. This story does not necessarily reflect the author's religious views, beliefs or morals.

 **Rating:** G

 **Warning:** May contain spoilers. Mild non-depressive angst.

 **Summary:** There are some questions we lock away, that never pass our lips, because we are too afraid of the answers. But sometimes we have to know, and sometimes those questions slip out without us knowing.

 **Story type:** Manga Cannon AU.

 **Pairing:** None.

 **AN (may contain spoilers for story and cannon):** Hi hi! I'm back from hiatus and to start off, here's my "Don't forget day" contribution. The idea for this story actually cropped up when I was editing "The Fatal Recipe" and "Liars in Arms". I'm still not quite sure what the link between them was. Sometimes my muse puzzles me. I guess you could call this an alternate chapter fourteen/ fifteen, but I don't really see it that way.

Conception Date: 18/8/2014

Completion Date: 12/11/2014

 **Historical Notes:** Edward's infection is based on pneumonia. Specifically fungal pneumonia, which is fairly uncommon. Fever and deliriums (sever confusion) are symptoms of pneumonia. Hallucinations can occur as a result of delirium. It is this combination of delirium and hallucination that leads Ed to not recognising Al. Although it is no longer a fatal illness, it was highly dangerous during the early 20th century and can still be dangerous today. By 1918 it had killed more people than tuberculosis. Since Trisha Elric's cause of death has never been explicitly identified in the animes or manga, I'm using my creative license with it. Same with the surgery part. As usual I do have some references available upon request if you wish to know more.

 **Resentment Without Regret**

Alphonse knew he should have insisted Edward not to take that last mission. The stress of the yearly assessment and the cold he had caught had lowered his immune system. An assignment tracking down an alchemical drug lab in the sewers, hadn't helped. Something in Alphonse had crumpled when he saw his brother stumble on their way back to the dorms. For one horrifying moment Ed had swayed, before his legs gave way, his body falling with a muffled thump.

In that instance Alphonse saw their mother sprawled across the floor on her side; one arm limply sprawled out next to her, the other reaching out above her head, face obscured by her fine brown hair. Then the vision was gone. In its place was Edward, his strong, ironed willed pig headed brother and that terrified Alphonse. He had picked up Edward as if he were made of tissue paper, cursing his unfeeling armour for being unable to tell anything about his brother. He had quickly made his way to the military medical centre adjacent to the dorms. From there Edward and Alphonse had been escorted to the Military hospital. His brother had been taken from him in a flurry of nurses, leaving Alphonse to await any news in the small lonely room.

Alphonse wanted to cry in fear and frustration; the illness that had claimed their mother was now steadily dragging his brother into its depths. In the darkened room, Alphonse listened to the raspy breathing of his brother as he fought for each breath.

In

Out

In

Out

Pause. Nothing. Alphonse froze. Was this it?

In

Out

Silence. Horrid, expectant, _waiting_ silence.

A huge sucking wheeze.

In

Out

In

Out

In

Out

Alphonse felt as if his entire existence hinged on the irregular breathing. Any breath could be his brother's last and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it. A sudden bout of coughing startled him out of his thoughts. He got up off the floor next to his brother's bed, the armour clanking noisily despites his efforts to keep it quiet. His brother's eyes were scrunched up tight, his head moving restlessly from side to side, the white of the sheet covering him darkened by saliva. A rusty red tinge marred the monochrome sheets. The dim light that filtered in through the windows highlighted the sheen of sweat that covered his brother, as he lay there lips slightly parted as his straining lungs struggled for air.

There was a soft tap at the door before a familiar nurse poked her head in. Seeing only Alphonse and Edward, she nudged the door open and carried in a small basin of water. Moving aside, Alphonse watched anxiously as the nurse set the bowl on the bedside table, before popping a thermometer into the mouth of a barely conscious Edward. Edward stared at him blearily before closing his eyes again. Taking a cloth from the bowl of water she squeezed out the excess water before using it to wipe Edward's forehead and cheeks. Edward's face relaxed slightly. Placing the cloth back into the basin, the nurse took out the thermometer frowning at the reading.

'What is it?' Alphonse whispered, his tinny voice echoing unsurely from the cavernous armour. The nurse looked at him, without a hint of surprise at the childish voice emanating from the suit of armour. The two boys were already an unfortunately familiar sight on her rounds of the ward.

She had been frightened when she first saw the suit of armour, and even more terrified to hear the sweet childish voice emanating from it. She had avoided that part of the hospital as much as possible the first few weeks after she had met them. Then she had been called to assist in a surgery. She had arrived full of interest, it was unusual for non-surgical staff to be called to a surgery and even more of an honour for a junior nurse to be called. But perhaps she being chosen to assist, had more to do with the time than anything else; the request had come long after the sunset, at a time when the night shift were starting to yawn. She had been a little apprehensive and if she were to be honest, fearful, when she saw the small blond laid out on the table. It meant that thing was somewhere nearby. A sheaf of papers was shoved at her by a blond woman in military uniform.

'Confidentiality agreement.' She stated bluntly.

The nurse had signed, puzzled by why she would have to sign such a thing, but too intimidated by the uniform to question it.

The young nurse had been surprised when the surgeon had asked the boy if he wanted any anaesthetic.

The boy had just given him a pained roguish grin too old for his face, and told him to get on with removing the bullets before he vomited them up or something. An hour into the surgery and she found out why she had to sign that agreement; the things the boy had seen, his all-consuming love for his brother...

She was startled out of her reverie by the worried voice of the younger brother.

'Miss? Miss! Are you alright?' The armoured boy asked in concern.

'His fever is increasing' she told him quietly 'It's now at one hundred and four Fahrenheit. He needs to be kept cool.'

She hesitated, biting her bottom lip gently. It should be alright; he had stayed past visiting hours on a number of occasions and this evening was unusually busy. Besides it would give him something to do and that was the best way of keeping him calm. She could ask him to leave, but what would be the point? If Edward woke up confused, looking for his brother, he could become a danger to the staff. She had other patients to look after, she couldn't stay here the entire night just to monitor him.

'Could you keep an eye on your brother?' she asked 'I'll be around every ten minutes, but I have to check the other patients.'

'But, but, what do I do?' He said panicking as he wrung his leather clad hands. 'I don't know what to do.'

'I'll show you what to do. Just keep an eye on his temperature with the thermometer every few minutes.' She instructed placing the thermometer on a small towel next to the bed. 'And you can keep your brother cool with the water.'

She picked up the cloth from the water basin wringing the excess water out, and used it to wipe the sweat off the uneasily tossing figure in the bed. Dunking it back in the water she wringed it again before handing it to Alphonse, who nervously took it and wiped off the sweat just like the nurse did.

'That's it.' she said encouragingly. 'The water will evaporate on his skin and help keep him cool. If he wakes try to get him to take a little water so he doesn't become dehydrated. I'll get you some water and a glass for him.' So saying she left.

The night passed, but Edward's fever didn't break. The nurse seemed to be very calm about it all, but Alphonse could tell that even she was worried, biting her lip, but turning it into a smile whenever he turned to look at her. It must have only been an hour or two before dawn when Edward's fever spiked. Edward had been letting out little breaths of discomfort, moving his head from side to side, avoiding Alphonse's hand with the cloth. The little breaths had suddenly turned to whines of distress and he had opened his eyes, before looking round him in a daze. Alphonse's worry turning into panic when his brother wouldn't respond his presence.

'Al… Al… Al!... Al! Where are you?!' Edward's voice became increasingly panicked.

'Brother… brother… you need to calm down!' Alphonse cried, holding the thrashing figure down.

'Noooo! I need Alphonse! I need to find him! Let me go! Alphonse! Al! where are you!" Edward desperately shouted struggling against Alphonse's grasp.

'I'm right here brother!' Alphonse cried out frantically, trying to get his brother's attention. Edward's eyes suddenly focused on him searching for something, the feverish hands gripping the armour.

'You're not Al, where's Al! What have you done with him you monster! Give him back!' Alphonse felt Edward's words cut right into him. Why couldn't Edward see he was right here? Edward looked at him but didn't seem to see him at the same time. Suddenly he was clinging to Alphonse crying in fear and confusion.

'Keep it away!' He screamed, looking fearfully at something Alphonse couldn't see next to the bedside table.

'Keep what away brother!?' Alphonse shouted, Edward's fear infecting him. Edward gave him a terrified look and resumed struggling against him.

'Who are you? Where's Al? Alphonse! Where's Alphonse!' Edward cried, his sight rapidly focusing and unfocusing on Alphonse's armour. His brother was delirious, Alphonse realized, and most certainly hallucinating.

'It's all my fault! I have to know!' Edward shouted struggling against Alphonse's grasp.

'It's not your fault, what do you need to know brother?' Alphonse said soothingly, his voice softening as Edward calmed.

'Alphonse?' He asked blinking dazedly, his gaze firmly on Alphonse.

'I'm here brother. What is it?'

'Do you regret doing the transmutation with me?' Edward looked up into Al's glowing orbs, his feverish gaze searching the armoured form. 'You didn't want to do it, wanted to let mum go, but I forced you, persuaded you to do it with me.' Edward began to hyperventilate, Alphonse looked around desperately for help. What was he supposed to do?!

'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have listened, shouldn't have forced you, it's all my fault, everything is my fault-' Edward's gasping litany was interrupted by the nurse bursting in.

'He's hyperventilating!' Alphonse exclaimed in a panic. Quickly the nurse pulled out a paper bag from a drawer under the side table. Puffing it open, she held the open end against Edward's mouth, using it to restrict his breathing until it became more regular. She then lay the drowsy boy back on the bed, grabbing the damp cloth once more to cool him down.

'Alphonse? Do you regret it?' Edward whispered tiredly 'Do you hate me for it?'

Alphonse was silent for a long time, while the nurse checked Edward's temperature and wiped down the sweaty limbs. Weighing up the situation, the nurse excused herself for a few minutes, hoping the time would be enough to clear the weighted words that hung unspoken in the air of the sickroom.

'In all honesty,' Alphonse said quietly to the now sleeping figure 'Sometimes I do. You trapped me in this body in the process of doing something I didn't want to do. I hate you sometimes, the fact you can use all five of your senses, the way you can talk to people without them staring at you in fear as soon as they see you. I wish you could experience what it's like living like this; not being able to sleep, to feel anything, to even live. Like this I just exist, I don't live because I can't live. And it's all your fault.' Alphonse paused for a moment noting the frown on Edward's brow.

'But if we could go back to that time, I would still do that transmutation with you. Because if I didn't I would have lost you completely. That night, I _died_. I lost my body _and_ my soul. If you did the transmutation by yourself _you_ would have died, and there wouldn't be _anyone_ to bring you back.' Alphonse felt his voice choke up. 'I would have lost you permanently. I would rather live in this armour forever than to have that happen. There wouldn't have been anything left for me. I don't think, no, I _know_ I wouldn't have been able to survive without you.' Alphonse took a deep shuddering breath, even though he had no lungs.

'So don't you _dare_ ever ask if I regret doing the transmutation with you.' He finished in an angry, fierce whisper.

Edward let out a deep breath, brow smoothing out and slept on.


End file.
